a quick $40

ok, i’m sitting at the tavern last night and i catch wind of a tale that makes me chuckle.

it involves two characters who have already spent all the time they’re ever going to spend in my tavern. [read: they've been tossed] one is Mr. Marky Y. he has no shut off valve, and will continue to drink until he turns into a human puddle the likes of which you’d seldom see, even on an episode of COPS. he is not a studly man, and there is no wonder why he may go for great lengths of time without the pleasures only a woman could bring. (erps, you know what i mean). it’s not really his fault, it’s hard for anyone to pick up a girl when they’ve pissed or puked themselves.

the other is a lady who we call the Squaw. she claims to be of american indian descent. she also claims to be pregnant about once a year, luckily it never seems to produce weight gain. and each pregnancy ends in a situation weirder than the previous one. i think aliens might have been involved somewhere along the line. she also claims a lot of odd maladies in what seems like a perpetual attempt to find a disability check.

they meet at a tavern up the street. Marky was feeling a twinge and made a pretty simple declaration to the lady. “i’m horney. would you give me a blowjob?”

it’s hard to misunderstand something like that. but, that’s a line where the person really needs to have some charisma to seal the deal. her response? “$40 dollars”. so, lacking charisma, money might do the trick.

the odd thing is that even during these tough economic times, the Squaw insightfully assessed the situation at hand, and upped her usual asking price. apparently a man in need will go way beyond the traditional $5. and, uh, it’s double that if you want her to take her teeth out ($10). <pukes a little in mouth> who could make this up?? i don’t know what it would cost if you wanted her to shave her moustache first.

so, mark digs deep and pulls out two twenty dollar bills and hands them over to the new temporary love of his life. she finishes her beer and orders another, asking marky to pay for it.

unfortunately she had already taken the last of mark’s cash. somehow at this point, he’s more afraid of losing the deal than pushing any issues. so, he leaves to go to the ATM. shortly after that, she leaves the bar with the $40.

i’m not sure why that makes me laugh, but it does. i can envision “to be continued . . . ” written all over this one.

September 10, 2009 Posted in: tavern book